Responsibility Answers: How can I get others to stop Blaming and Justifying?

“There’s nothing wrong with those people. They’re coping as best they can. You might ask yourself, “What’s in it for them to do that?””

Christopher Avery

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Responsibility Answers

How do I get others to stop Blaming & Justifying?

Amanda writes in and asks, “Christopher, how can I get Blaming and Justifying teammates to stop?” So, we’re going to talk about that.

There’s a number of things that I want you to think about, if you can identify that people are Blaming and Justifying.

There’s nothing wrong with them, that’s what the Responsibility Process® teaches.

It says that when we have problems that we don’t know how to take ownership of, we go below the line in the process and we get stuck in Blame or Justify or Shame or Obligation.

There’s nothing wrong with those people. They’re coping as best they can. You might ask yourself, “What’s in it for them to do that?”

There’s a number of reasons that we may be below the line. Our own individual upbringing and training, or programing.

What is it about the system you’re in that’s reinforcing this behavior?

How did this system attract those people? How did it hire them? How did it select them? And how is it reinforcing them?

What leadership messages around Blame and Justify are they getting?

What leadership messages are they getting from you around Justify and Blame?

Remember, it’s 10,000 times easier to see The Responsibility Process in other people than it is to see it in ourselves.

So, how do you get them to stop?

You’ll never get them to stop. You’ll never get yourself to stop. When something goes wrong, you go to Blame. You may not act on it, but your thoughts go there.

You’re never going to stop having thoughts of Blame, and people around you are never going to stop having thoughts and actions of Blaming, Justifying and all the other stages.

Over time, you’ll get better at catching yourself below the line. You’ll cultivate the ability to get to Responsibility faster – and that will help you become a better model for demonstrating Responsibility.

Problems happen all day, every day.

The Responsibility Process gives us a language for talking about problems. Have you introduced the Responsibility Process to your teammates?

Have you asked them for permission to have conversations about how we address things when things go wrong at work?

Watch their response during these conversations.

If their response is one of not very high trust and leeriness, and if they go primarily to self-safety and control, then you might be in an environment that’s just not safe for people to truly take Responsibility.

There’s lots of things for you to think about here.

We’re always here for you. We have a ton of DIY resources, and of course, we have premium resources, as well, to help.

You might want to come to a Quick Start session sometime, or share that resource with your teammates.

It’s an 80 minute quick, deep-dive into the Responsibility Process. And it gets rave reviews from people who’ve done it.

The Responsibility Process

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As a member of the Responsibility Community, you, your team, family and your organization can be rewarded with ongoing dialogue about what true Responsibility means, how to practice it and what noticeable, positive impacts it brings to life and work.

We are continually seeking and finding new ways to serve and freely share content.

Let us know how we can support you in deepening your own Responsibility practice. Or just send us a kudos. We’d love to hear from you!


Space: Anxiety

“Anxiety is really important to understand if you’re into self-growth – for change, improvement, and leadership.”

Christopher Avery

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Anxiety

Let’s talk about anxiety. Anxiety is really important to understand if you’re into self-growth – for change, improvement, and leadership.

Every time something goes wrong, every time we’re not getting what we want, we feel anxiousness. I call it angst. So the technical term would be angst or anxiety.

Here’s the cool thing about it: while growing up in society, we tend to learn to cope with anxiety.

We learn to run away from it, to avoid it, to try and vent it out, rather than actually examining it. When we examine it, we can see what it’s telling us, and do something about it.

So instead of running away from our anxiety, let’s welcome it.

Now I don’t mean huge levels of chronic, painful, generalized anxiety.

I mean the little, everyday anxieties when things go wrong.

Here’s one thing that you can do today.

Today when you feel anxious, or feel your heart come into your throat, or notice that you’re concerned about safety, control or approval – stop.

Stop and ask yourself, what’s this telling me?

What’s this telling me about what change is ahead for me, or about where I want to lead myself, or what there is for me to grow into.

The Responsibility Process
The Responsibility Process

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As a member of the Responsibility Community, you, your team, family and your organization can be rewarded with ongoing dialogue about what true Responsibility means, how to practice it and what noticeable, positive impacts it brings to life and work.

We are continually seeking and finding new ways to serve and freely share content.

Let us know how we can support you in deepening your own Responsibility practice. Or just send us a kudos. We’d love to hear from you!


Responsibility Answers: Setting & Sticking to Boundaries

Where are you allowing others, to get in your way of your clarity and your focus? Now ask yourself “What do I want about that?”

Christopher Avery

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Responsibility Answers

Setting and Sticking to Boundaries

Norman writes

“Christopher, how do I set better boundaries so that I can maintain clarity and focus?”

What are personal boundaries?

Personal boundaries are our own internal, guidelines of beliefs, rules, intentions, or limits that we have. Generally boundaries exist in relationship with others – about where we’re willing to go, or not go. So how do we get in boundary trouble? We know that generally, below the line of Responsibility, when we’re dealing with a problem, we tend to seek approval, safety or control.

We tend to say yes, when we ought to say no. We tend to stay quiet when we ought to speak up, or to be wimpy when we ought to be strong. We tend to pull back when we out to come forward. So the first thing to do in terms of setting better boundaries is to choose one of your boundaries & identify where it is being broken.

Where are you allowing others, to get in your way of your clarity and your focus? Now ask yourself “What do I want about that?”

This question, what do I want about that – is very important. Meditate on that question. Ponder that question, and an answer will come to you. Maybe the answer will be a personal belief, guideline or limit.

When you have that answer, the next step is to create a commitment to that belief, guideline or limit. Now apply the Catch Sooner Game to it. Remember the catch sooner game? If you don’t, you can read more about it in chapter five in my book, The Responsibility Process.

The Catch Sooner Game says that you can change any habit or belief in the world in four steps, iteratively.

— First, catch yourself doing it. Catch yourself, allowing somebody to break that boundary.

— Second, stop it. Do something to correct it right then, after you catch yourself.

Forgive yourself for not being able to change a decades long habit immediately. Forgiving yourself is a very important step, because we have a very human tendency to beat ourselves up.

I’ve found that we can change much faster when we have compassion for ourselves. 

— The next step is to validate. Catch yourself earlier in this boundary management dilemma next time. Eventually you’ll be able to catch it as it’s happening & say no.

Maybe next time, instead of saying yes to something you’d rather say no to, you can say, “Gosh, boss, I’m really honored that you asked me to stay late tonight and finish this report because somebody else screwed up.

I’m sorry. I have a prior commitment. Just because they’re not doing their job, doesn’t mean that I have to do their job for them. I hope you understand boss. See you tomorrow. I’ll be happy to work on it then.”

So limits. Do you have limits that people cross? If so, tighten them up.

Do you struggle to stop people from taking advantage of you? Or struggle to tell people no when they put something on your plate, or hand something back to you after you put it down? If so, pursue that and change that.

Here’s what you can do today.

Look at areas of your life, where you think maybe you could tighten up or improve your boundaries and just choose one.

Then again, ask yourself, what do I want about this? What is a guideline, a personal belief, a personal commitment, personal rule, or limit that I could put in place? Then start working with that, and you’re going to see changes in your life.

This is a great thing to invite us, to help you with. We are currently enrolling for immersion cohort 3 – a 20 week deep-dive into activating The Responsibility Process® in ourselves.

Activating the Responsibility Process helps us take ownership of our lives. You can come to application mastery, and bring problems like this – and we’ll help you identify them, and help you put in place new guidelines and new personal beliefs and new personal limits.

The Responsibility Process

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Stay Connected

As a member of the Responsibility Community, you, your team, family and your organization can be rewarded with ongoing dialogue about what true Responsibility means, how to practice it and what noticeable, positive impacts it brings to life and work.

We are continually seeking and finding new ways to serve and freely share content.

Let us know how we can support you in deepening your own Responsibility practice. Or just send us a kudos. We’d love to hear from you!


Webinar Recap: Reclaim Your Life this Year

22 July 2020 WEBINAR RECAP

How to Build the Meta-Skill of Responsibility-Thinking

and Reclaim Your Life this Year

We had four short info segments plus real customers telling their own success story. Watch each of these below. Download a PDF of Christopher’s cards and follow along.

A brief introduction to Responsibility-thinking with The Responsibility Process®

Kassandra Barteaux

Certified Responsibility Graduate, re-oriented her life and elevated her career

Why and how to adopt Responsibility-thinking

George L. Reed II

Hires Certified Responsibility Graduates to own problems and take leadership

How Responsibility Immersion can save you 10 years or more over the DIY route

Elisa Heikura

Certified Responsibility Graduate, took surprising ownership of her life

Rhonda Day

Certified Responsibility Graduate, went after the role she wanted instead of the one she was handed

Your Questions

 

Are you ready to stop coping, and start growing?


Free Webinar: Reclaim Your Life this Year

Attention

Smart, busy, and caring continuous-improver, leader, and/or coach

 

Are you looking for the next competitive edge, a step up, or maybe a more fulfilling way?

Congratulations — You found one

How to Build the Meta-Skill of Responsibility-Thinking

and Reclaim Your Life this Year
Free

Wednesday
22 July 2020, 11 a.m.

USA Central (Austin, TX) / UTC -5
Time Zone Converter

Zoom link emailed after registration

Fill in this form
 
 
Christopher Avery, PhD

I know. Another Zoom webinar

This could be the 9th most-boring info-session of the week.

So why should you give this your attention? 

I’ll show you how to build the meta-skill of taking 100% Responsibility for anything. Anything.

You are born with this ability. It’s innate in you. And it’s powerful. 

I’ll show you how it works. It’s proven (because it is natural and organic — it’s already in you).

Why should you build this meta-skill?

Because the ability-to-respond is the very essence of mental management for 

  • change, 
  • agility, 
  • problem solving, and yes, 
  • self-leadership.

And because you can use Responsibility-thinking to

  • get off the hamster wheel
  • take ownership of your mind and your life
  • face any obstacle
  • overcome every challenge
  • get out of ruts
  • produce results that matter
  • be a better decision maker
  • be more free, powerful, and at choice
  • be a better teammate, friend, and family-member

Why am I giving this away?

That’s simple.

First, because I want you to build the meta-skills for Responsibility-thinking, develop your Responsibility practice, and produce results that matter for yourself and others.

I also want you to make an informed choice about getting involved in Responsibility Immersion Cohort 3.

What’s the webinar content?

  1. A brief introduction to Responsibility-thinking with The Responsibility Process®. (There’s tons of DIY content out there so we won’t dwell here long.)
  2. Why and how to adopt Responsibility-thinking
  3. How Responsibility Immersion can save you 10 years or more over the DIY route
  4. Your questions

Additionally, I promise no bonus whatsoever for staying around until the end of the webinar. Leave any time you’ve had enough. No triggers. No ploys.

There will be no special offers. (Well, I might change my mind for you. We’ll see.)

And no slide presentation!! (Scout’s honor. Really, 1974. Richard Nixon signed my Eagle certificate.)

Just straight-forward useful information and Q&A about how Responsibility Immersion helps you activate a Responsibility practice in 20 weeks so you can

  • stop coping and start growing
  • be an inspiring leader (and attract followers who practice Responsibility)
  • develop clear self-leadership and profound wisdom
  • lead self-organizing teams
  • coach like a superstar (so other people practice Responsibility)
  • build cultures of ownership
  • live YOUR life (not theirs), and,
  • a bunch of other nice benefits

When?

Wednesday 22 July 2020, 11 a.m.
USA Central (Austin, TX) / UTC -5
Time Zone Converter

How?

The spaces are limited, but we probably won’t hit that limit (unless you go and tell your friends who you wish would take responsibility!). Still, I recommend you register here now .

After clicking you’ll be redirected to a thank you page. And then you’ll get another email with all the details.

Note, we run a confirmed opt-in shop.
That means that you will get a confirmation email. CLICK THE LINK in that email. 

As an added feature you will be automagically subscribed to our news and announcement list. We will never sell your info. But we might barrage you with brilliant videos and other content about how to take charge of your mind and life. 

(I know you are planning to unsubscribe right away — I do the same damn thing.)

Will we record this?

Yes. If you can’t attend live we’ll send you the recording — assuming we remember to record. So go ahead and claim your spot now.

If you are reading this, it means that you didn’t fill in the form. So fill in the form so we can explore a better life together. Do it now.

Or, keep struggling with all the insanity around you, and coping, and wondering why.

To your freedom, choice, and power,


CAsig

P.S. I love you and want the world for you. And I know this material delivers when you apply it. I suspect you know that too. So fill out the form!

P.P.S. If someone recommended this webinar to you, consider that they love you and want the best for you. Fill out the form and attend.


Space: Cause & Effect

“There’s a story about a guy who would go out to bars every night. Every night he would get into fist fights and it was never his fault. It was always their fault.”

Christopher Avery

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Space

Cause/Effect

The Responsibility Process® is all about our perceptions of cause and effect. Everything below the line: Lay Blame, Justify, Shame, Obligation, Quit, are ways of responding to a problem when you think that you are at effect.

I can’t do anything because I’m not powerful enough. The power is outside of me. We call that being a victim, right? We call that coping.

Above the line at Responsibility, we are both that cause and effect. Above the line we know that we’re powerful. We know we’re free.

When we know we’re at choice, we know we have the ability to overcome anything and change our lives. That’s the mental state of Responsibility.

There’s a story about a guy who would go out to bars every night. Every night he would get into fist fights and it was never his fault. It was always their fault. Can you relate to this?

Maybe you can’t build a team, you can’t get the job that you want. You can’t find the relationship that you want. You can’t lose weight. You can’t change your organization. The problems you’re facing are always outside of you.

Here’s something you can start to do about it today.

Make two lists. Title one list “effect,” and one list “cause.”

On the effect list, write down everything in your life where you feel like you’re at effect.

This could be things you’re stuck on, things you can’t change, things you wish you could change, things you’re unhappy about, things you’re coping with – write all of these down.

Now go to the cause list, and write down all the ways you feel in charge of your life. The situations that are going the way you like.

Maybe you’ve had some goals around wage earning that have been met, and you feel really on top of your game there.

Maybe you have a fantastic relationship. Maybe you’re really focused on your fitness goals. Give yourself credit for the things that are going well.

Now take another look at your effect list.

I want you to look at that from the point of view of that guy that got in fist fights every night that were never his fault.

One day he decided to really take ownership of his life.  He looked underneath that very simplistic cause/effect logic and he found out that there were deeper causes inside of him.

Some things for him to shed some light on, to confront, and to learn about. That’s the opportunity for you.

The Responsibility Process

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Stay Connected

As a member of the Responsibility Community, you, your team, family and your organization can be rewarded with ongoing dialogue about what true Responsibility means, how to practice it and what noticeable, positive impacts it brings to life and work.

We are continually seeking and finding new ways to serve and freely share content.

Let us know how we can support you in deepening your own Responsibility practice. Or just send us a kudos. We’d love to hear from you!


Responsibility Answers: Unconscious Bias

“If I don’t acknowledge reality, I can’t deal with it.”

Christopher Avery

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Responsibility Answers

How can I take responsibility for unconscious Bias?

Intellectually, we know that it’s wrong for us to have racial, religious, gender or other bias. But our split second behaviors demonstrate that we’re full of biases. How can I take responsibility for my unconscious biases? 

If you were to ask me, are you biased? I would want to say, “No, I’m not biased.” But, I’ve learned to acknowledge what’s true. If I don’t acknowledge reality, I can’t deal with it.

You can test this for yourself.

There are unconscious bias tests that you can do online. The tests give you a split second to make a choice, and measure reactions that you can’t control. You’ll learn a lot about yourself from one of those tests.

I grew up in a religion that taught me to be tolerant and open to others, while simultaneously telling me “We’re right and they’re wrong.”

As a result of these mixed messages, I found myself in right/wrongness and Judgment about people from other religions.

It takes a lot of work to get past tolerating other faiths and religions, to accepting that these religions are just as good as yours is. That’s a big step.

You can apply the same thing to gender, race, nationality – any area where you have bias.

How do you do that work? You do that work by installing the Catch Sooner game in your mind.

You can read about the Catch Sooner game in chapter five of my book, The Responsibility Process. The Catch Sooner game teaches that you can change any habit or behavior that you want to change.

The first step of the Catch Sooner game is to catch yourself when you engage in the behavior you want to change.

In that moment, stop and you examine your choice, and make a new conscious choice.

Forgive yourself for the old habit. Forgive yourself for being human, for continuing a habit or a belief that you’ve spent a lifetime honing.

The fourth step is to vow to catch yourself sooner next time.

Over time, as you catch yourself, keep examining where those thoughts come from. Maybe it’s a thought of fear, a thought of tolerating or resenting someone for who they are.

Where did it come from? Do I want to hold onto that? What if I change my thought right now instead of holding onto it?

That’s how Responsibility teaches me to deal with my unconscious biases.

Here’s something that you can do today.

Think of one of your biases that you’re not proud of. Maybe you have a negative reaction when you see someone of a certain race, hear a certain language, see someone driving a certain type of car – whatever that bias is for you.

Install the Catch Sooner game in your head, and remember, just catch yourself having that reaction, stop and change the reaction to a much more accepting, allowing, positive, abundant thought.

Forgive yourself for being human, and then vow to catch yourself sooner next time.

We’re always here for you at the Responsibility Company, whether it’s through our DIY programs (such as this Responsibility Answers series) or through our premium programs. I work for you – let me know how I can help.

The Responsibility Process

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Stay Connected

As a member of the Responsibility Community, you, your team, family and your organization can be rewarded with ongoing dialogue about what true Responsibility means, how to practice it and what noticeable, positive impacts it brings to life and work.

We are continually seeking and finding new ways to serve and freely share content.

Let us know how we can support you in deepening your own Responsibility practice. Or just send us a kudos. We’d love to hear from you!


Space: Stress

“Look at the things you’re saying yes to. Are you saying yes to them because you want to, or because you feel that you “should” say yes to them?”

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Space

Stress

It’s popular for experts, doctors, and others, to tell us that we need to reduce stress in our lives. My suggestion is for you to eliminate stress. Reduce it by not creating it.

All stress is self-generated. We generate stress when we chose to cope with a problem instead of growing to overcome it.

A problem is a conflict between what we want, and what we have.

When we don’t know how to take ownership of that problem, outgrow it, and solve it forever, then we carry the problem with us for the rest of our life.

Now add a few hundred or few thousand of those together. That’s a lot of energy you’re burning to hold those problems in place – and that is real stress.

Most of us are familiar with the idea that stress leads to all kinds of problems in our lives. You, or someone you know, may have a debilitating illness as a result of high levels of stress.

Here’s what you can do about it.

Start a responsibility practice. You can start one by one taking ownership of outgrowing of overcoming problems.

Here’s the secret. Don’t start on the big ones. Start on the small ones. Start designing your life little by little.

Look at the things you’re saying yes to. Are you saying yes to them because you want to, or because you feel that you “should” say yes to them?

Start saying no to some of the “shoulds,” and celebrate those nos!

When you say no to a should, you’ve moved past Shame and Obligation. You’re one step closer to taking ownership of the problem.

The next part of starting a responsibility practice is clarifying your intentions. Discover what you really want.

As you become more and more aware, you’ll find your fears and anxieties. Confront those anxieties so you can walk through them, to your new reality, where you are free, powerful and at choice.

The Responsibility Process

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Stay Connected

As a member of the Responsibility Community, you, your team, family and your organization can be rewarded with ongoing dialogue about what true Responsibility means, how to practice it and what noticeable, positive impacts it brings to life and work.

We are continually seeking and finding new ways to serve and freely share content.

Let us know how we can support you in deepening your own Responsibility practice. Or just send us a kudos. We’d love to hear from you!


My Responsibility Immersion Experience

Kassandra Barteaux

My Responsibility Immersion Experience

Kassandra Barteaux

In 2014, I achieved one of my goals, to break into management before I was 30 years old.  It seemed so important to me at the time, yet I felt empty and unfulfilled. Although it gave me the title, it lacked value and I was for the first time in my career lost.

I was also first introduced to The Leadership Gift Program in 2014. At the time I approached it as a career building block, another certificate/course to add to my resume. I was an energetic and driven young professional looking to achieve her next goal, all the while planning the next and the one after that. Like past accomplishments, I received the certificate of completion and focused on my next goal.

As a child I had spent a great deal of time compiling beliefs of what it meant to be successful. Focused entirely on the external factors and not nearly enough time listening to my internal voice. Climb the professional ladder, work hard, make money, gain power/authority, insecurities and beliefs around being a woman in business, sacrifices have to be made and how to have it all, were all top of mind.

Funny it wasn’t until 2019 when I re-enrolled in the Leadership Gift Community and Program did my reflection surface. It was not simply another program it had become an intrinsic part of my value system. Or perhaps rather, a part of my value system that had existed all along but was overshadowed by the definition I had built as a child of what it meant to be “successful”.

The career, relationship, friendship and family choices I had made over the five-year period always reflected the Responsibility practice. I would catch myself referencing the practice when I was faced with problems or life choices. It had stuck with me!

The secret I have learnt is that “having it all” is your own intrinsic definition

I am incredibly grateful for the path that has led me to The Leadership Gift Community. I am continuing to “achieve success” but under my own terms, by building relationships, valuing individuals, working in an industry that makes a difference and investing in myself, my family and friends. In all aspects of my life, both my inner voice and level of fulfillment have never been stronger.

I am proud of the mother, wife, colleague, friend and daughter I am today and excited and empowered for the path ahead. Not to mention I have a community of individuals that continue to push me to be Responsible.

The Responsibility Process

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Kassandra Barteaux entered Responsibility Immersion as a Senior Project Manager, and emerged as the Director, Program Management Office at the Canadian Red Cross.

She currently oversees large enterprise-wide projects and transformation initiatives, including many of the current COVID-19 initiatives.

Kassandra credits The Responsibility Process® study, and community, with empowering her approach to accepting, negotiation, and onboarding as the Director from a place of Freedom, Choice and Power.

She felt confident in her value, desire for the role, and ensured effective negotiation and expectations were set prior to accepting.

Kassandra has a passion for leadership and empowering the teams she works with to achieve greatness. She lives with intention and is grateful to the community.

Share your Responsibility Story

As a member of the Responsibility Community, you, your team, family and your organization can be rewarded with ongoing dialogue about what true Responsibility means, how to practice it and what noticeable, positive impacts it brings to life and work.

We are continually seeking and finding new ways to serve and freely share content.

Let us know how we can support you in deepening your own Responsibility practice. Or just send us a kudos. We’d love to hear from you!

“Between stimulus and response is a space.
In that space is the freedom and power to choose.”

Steven Covey

Responsibility Answers: Unrealistic Expectations

If I get upset when my expectations are not met, that’s an opportunity for me to learn.

Christopher Avery

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Responsibility Answers

Unrealistic Expectations

A viewer asks, “Christopher, one of my family members has unrealistic expectations. Don’t you think that’s a problem?” Well, it sounds like it’s a problem for you, so let’s talk about that.

We can’t operate without expectations.

I have a lot of expectations, and some of them are met, some of them are not met. If I get upset when my expectations are not met, that’s an opportunity for me to learn.

When I think that someone else around me has unrealistic expectations, I get to examine my own judgement about their expectations.

I get to ask myself, are their expectations really a problem?

Sometimes what I’m viewing as unrealistic expectations are really another person’s long term goal, or vision, a destination that isn’t clear to me yet.

If I judge those expectations, I’m making someone else wrong for their vision.

Maybe this doesn’t apply to your situation. Perhaps the expectations in question are unrealistic – but is it a problem for them?

If it’s not a problem for them, then I’m making it a problem for me. Why am I making it a problem for me?

Is it because I think I’ll look bad if I don’t stop them, if I don’t have them change their expectations? Will I look like a bad parent? Will I not look good in the eyes of my friends or other relatives?

Am I unwilling to let them discover the error in their own expectations?

This conversation about expectations, and unrealistic expectations is a big juicy bowl of Responsibility thinking that each one of us gets to dig into in life.

Here’s something you can do today.

When you find yourself looking around at others, and judging their expectations – ask yourself “What is there for me to learn about myself in what I’m doing here?

The Responsibility Process

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Stay Connected

As a member of the Responsibility Community, you, your team, family and your organization can be rewarded with ongoing dialogue about what true Responsibility means, how to practice it and what noticeable, positive impacts it brings to life and work.

We are continually seeking and finding new ways to serve and freely share content.

Let us know how we can support you in deepening your own Responsibility practice. Or just send us a kudos. We’d love to hear from you!


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