How Do I End the Blamestorm with my Ex?

How Do I End the Blamestorm with my Ex?

In our previous article I replied to Nate questioning why his ex doesn’t take responsibility for her actions.

Here’s a summary of my reply:

  • She can, she just doesn’t know how, or isn’t ready to (yet).
  • She has a problem and its you.
  • So she’s stuck in Lay Blame.
  • However, it looks like you have a problem too.
  • And your problem is her.
  • So where are you coming from (in The Responsibility Process)?

Then I promised to offer some thoughts about how to get out of this mutual blamestorm.

(This post began as a Responsibility Community Newsletter. It takes 1 minute to read.)


Conflict resolution experts would suggest that you de-escalate.

Here are some thoughts about how you might approach de-escalating.

Consider whether you want to remain a powerless victim or if you prefer to regain your freedom, power, and choice.

The ego in each of you feeds on the drama, so it is easier to blame in the short term, but that takes a tragic toll in the longer term.

If you want to de-escalate and regain your freedom, choice, and power, I can help. If you want to keep blaming, I have little to offer.

Own it.

Own your ability and power to create, choose, and attract your reality.

This is our definition of Responsibility.

Through your beliefs, filters, triggers, conditioning, and subconscious programming, you are always creating, choosing, and attracting your entire experience – good and bad.

You just aren’t always owning it.

So owning the negative experience is the first step to taking charge of it; seeing how you created, choose, or attracted it; and then changing it.

Stop blaming.

After you choose to own it, some part of you probably is ready to stop blaming.

But some part of you isn’t.

So now you have an internal dialogue.

“They did it to me!!” (Lay Blame)

“Maybe, but I allowed it.” (Responsibility)

“It’s their fault.” (Lay Blame)

“But blaming won’t change things.” (Responsibility)

A comment

Lay Blame is a super easy way to cope with a problem.

It requires the least thinking, introspection, wisdom, and zero owning it.

All it requires is the over-simplified point of view that they CAUSED your negative EFFECT.

This leads to the presumption that THEY must change for YOU to be happy.

And that’s the powerless part.

However, when you step back and look clearly at the big picture you can see that you can choose happiness regardless of what they do.

Also, it is questionable that they alone caused your negative effect. They simply did what they did. It’s your interpretation that makes it negative.

Workplace application

Since most readers of this newsletter are interested in Responsibility application in the work place, consider this:

The number one coping dynamic in the workplace is that management blames workers and workers blame management.

How convenient. Then neither has to own their role in their messes.

This coping dynamic is the first thing I address when working with an executive leader. If they insist on blaming, I can’t help them.


Because I know that the executive leader is creating, choosing, and attracting everything they are experiencing.

So, the people aren’t the real problem.

The real problem is the leader’s not owning their point of view (of Lay Blame).

After you stop

After you choose to stop blaming, you will want to watch for Justify, Shame, Obligation, and Quit. This is how you move through the states in The Responsibility Process.

You can release each.

(It’s not easy. Yet, it is always possible.

When you are deeply entangled in blamestorming, this can all be very challenging.

It helps to have a Responsibility mentor aid you in reflecting. That’s what I’m here for.)

Try us

Consider joining the Responsibility Community. (It’s all-content and no-selling).

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